bibliomancy for a Venus – Pluto Conjunction
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“Eros always leads to Psyche…” (Moore)
“how to analogise the dream I’ve had for the past year? –
I ask myself – what is he like??
He’s like Pan;
dirty, dark, smelly and sexy
He’s like Jesus;
only he won’t die
and he won’t be coming back
He’s like me;
but with balls and a job and social life
He’s too-hot water; a take-away dinner I didn’t order and have to pay for; a dress that doesn’t fit (something like I would have made for myself when I was learning to sew); he’s a stranger grabbing at my belly and asking me if I’ve got another baby coming; he’s a dog, fox, wolf, dingo – other wild things I cannot love that scare me except in symbolic form, in idea, in imagination… he’s like Mephistopheles too… asking too much for only bad things in return…
He doesn’t exist; he forces me to see how much I create in my mind. He’s never the same person twice;he forces me to see how much I change.
He isn’t the man I think he is (and I’m not either)
…but for some reason it hurts me so much not to love him and imagine him as every bit as wonderful as I want him to be. It hurts me in my chest; deep ache, burn, stab.
I don’t know what to do about it, what am I supposed to do about it? How can I move this out of my body, out of my mind? How can I make space for anyone else while every bit of me is consumed by this weirdness? Its in my blood stream, pumping through all of me. “
(August 18, 2007; paper journal entry)
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